And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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