I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
