Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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