Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
