I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
he fucked my hip out of place.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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