R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
