I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
