Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Randomize
