i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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