I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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