isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
