We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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