Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
