dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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