i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
The beer is more important than you right now.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
