you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I can't turn off my feet"
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
