I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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