he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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