my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
