I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
