am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
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