Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
We need to rekindle our bromance
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
