Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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