Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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