My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
It's shark week go big or go home
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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