Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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