i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
