I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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