She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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