I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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