I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
