Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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