I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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