I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
