why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
