your thong is hanging out like whoa
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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