i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
