I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
