I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Randomize
