I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Randomize
