just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We are all done wearing pants today
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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