We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Randomize
