I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
where are my pants?
in the oven.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
