So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
