I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
