youre lurking in front of me
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Randomize
