When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
