Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
