my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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