before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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